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Fantasy Punching 2004-07-28, 12:14 p.m. During one of my last nights in Kansas City, Kate and I were IM'ing each other (and we were drunk) and created our sick game, which has bred a thousand inside jokes. The game is easy to grasp, and it's called Fantasy Punching. The concept is simple – if you are mildly annoyed by someone or if you have a festering hatred for a person, you fantasize about punching them and what kinds of protection you would need while the punching takes place. Some examples: Jana: So what about Celine Dion? Kate: Oh, I'd fucking punch her lights out. Jana: I think you'll need some gloves. Kate: Good call. I will definitely need some rubber gloves. Jana: Totally safe! No hepatitis for you! Kate: Is there hepatitis in Vegas? … Jana: Oooh! I have a good one! Kate: Good! My rubber gloves are STILL ON because I was JUST PUNCHING Shania. Jana: Oh, I'd need finger condoms to punch Shania Twain. Kate: Whaaaat? Jana: You know, those finger condoms. They're those…devices that you pull on over your fingers as if you were dealing with a condom/penis relationship, but they have those minty ridges on them for "tooth-freshening" for the completely lazy. Kate: OH MY GOD, that is BRILLIANT! Finger condoms! Jana: Yes, and they protect you from THINGS that are DIRTY. Kate: Finger condoms! Jana: So I would totally need some finger condoms for Shania, because I cannot abide the old-man husband named Mutt. Kate: I bet he wears Birkenstocks with black dress socks at home. Jana: And a tuxedo to dinner because it's interesting. Kate: Yes! And I bet he proposed at some dorky concert tour outdoors because he's just that quirky. Jana: Yes! Punchpunchpunch! Kate: More like PUNCHPUNCHPUNCH. … Kate: Okay, next up is Bryan Adams. Jana: Whaaaaat? Kate: Haaaaate! Jana: Well, duh. Kate: I'd put on finger condoms and then a layer of rubber gloves. Jana: Two pairs, obviously. Kate: Because you have to be a dirty kind of entertainer to produce such crap. Jana: Again…duh. Kate: So, if I held him down, would you kick him in the shin? Jana: Can you hold him long enough for me to get a running start? Kate: I don't know…where am I going to go after that? Jana: Well, if we're pissing off Bryan Adams so much that he is going to chase one of us, perhaps you should fake him out. Kate: By doing…? Jana: I have no idea. Something would come to you, I think. But you are going to want to kick him in his healthy, non-bruised shin next, right? Kate: Right. Jana: Wear steel-toed shoes. Kate: Well, duh. … Kate: Okay, here's another one to consider: Pamela Anderson. Jana: OH MY GOD. Kate: Talk about hepatitis. I would wear rubber gloves UNDER boxing gloves just to beat her around a little bit. Jana: She weighs, like, a hundred pounds soaking wet. You probably don't need boxing gloves. Kate: BOX! ING! GLOVES! Jana: I mean, I get why you think that, but one punch and she's out. Kate: Yes, but the diseases! We know she has one grody disease and lord knows what else is lurking around her bloodstream. Jana: Oh my. I need to go lie down. … Jana: What about T? Kate: Your T? Jana: That one. Kate: Oh, I'd love to punch him. Jana: Well, if I punch him, I'd probably get arrested. Kate: Fantasy Punching! There is no jail in Fantasy Punching! No arrests for assault or battery! Jana: So true! I'd punch him AND kick him. But I'd go gloveless, 'cause I'm nasty. Kate: Because…well, never mind that. Jana: Ahem. Anyway. Kate: I'd punch him, and I'd punch him hard. And I bet some other people would love to get in on that violence. Jana: Oh, totally. You know they would. Kate: Haaaaate! That's what you get for being a fuckwit, T! Jana: PUNCHPUNCHPUNCH … Kate: Okay. Last one, and I'm calling it a night. Jim Carrey. Jana: Oh no you di'int. Kate: I did. I'd punch him. Jana: He's so annoying. It's like he gets under my skin and annoys every fiber of my being, and also? He used to voluntarily have sex with Renee Zellweger. Kate: God. I cannot get behind that. Jana: So squinty! Kate: So, I'd punch him and then I'd punch her just for being a fucking idiot. Jana: Now this, I can get behind. Kate: I'd do it. I'd start shit about them and then go to Los Angeles or Bumblefuck Wherever just to beat them both. Jana: I'd help! Me! Me too! Kate: Don't make me punch you. Just drive the getaway car.
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