• Amalah
• Ampersand
• Cowgirl Funk
• Cut the Crap
• A Damn Thing
• Fly in the Honey
• From the Mind of the Dawnie
• Hannah Cooks
• Hannah Talks
• Hashai
• Hate Your Daddy
• Hussified
• Invinciblegirl
• JournalCon 2004
• Journey of a Girl
• Kiss My Grits
• Les-Cadeaux
• Meegor
• Nearly There
• The Nuthouse
• Pineapple Girl
• The Rage Diaries
• The Random Muse
• SkinnyKat
• That Something
• What Does a Girl Do?

In my heart of hearts, I know that I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship right now and that my situation with T is just about all I can handle. I am not Crazy, I think I am just stuck in the Heartbreak phase of Breaking Up and I seem to enjoy spinning my wheels in the mud. (Clearly, I need a rebound guy and that will help me get over him a little faster, maybe.)

Other people are much better at developing relationship theories than I am, but I feel like I do have a pretty concrete sense of the phases of Breaking Up.

I. Bewilderment/Satisfaction

In Phase I, the person ending the relationship (“the dumper”) is satisfied that the relationship has finally ended and she feels no guilt (yet) and is so completely secure with her decision that she can go out that night and hit on hot bar guys with no remorse. She’s satisfied and single and completely thrilled with the situation. Conversely, the person wanting to continue the relationship (“the dumpee”) has just been blindsided by the big announcement. Break up? See other people? It’s not me, it’s you? What? There are so many questions unanswered, and the dumpee is usually too shocked to be hysterical or angry. Yet.

II. Hysteria and Anger/Remorse

In Phase II, the dumpee realizes what has just happened and becomes hysterically sad or angry at the dumper. This can happen thirty seconds after the breakup announcement, or it can take a day or two to sink in. The dumpee’s hysteria/anger reaction typically depends on the jagosity of the dumper. If the dumper pretends like the dumpee did not mean anything to him and that the relationship was a big waste of time, the hysteria/anger factor is quite high. If the dumper, in true jag-ness, convinces the dumpee that he’ll always love her and that she is a catch and he’ll regret this in a year, then the hysteria/anger factor could be much lower. The reaction of the dumpee in Phase II is quite volatile. There could be heaving sobs, a high volume of tears, evenings on the couch watching crappy chick movies, increased junk food consumption, and/or a spike in alcohol consumption by the dumpee during Phase II.

In Phase II, the dumper feels remorseful. Like the dumpee’s reaction, the dumper could start to regret his decision thirty seconds after he spills his guts to his (now former) girlfriend, or it could take him a day or two to feel bad and start wondering what might have been and did he make a bad decision? The dumper may or may not try to reach the dumpee by phone or through mutual friends during Phase II because he seeks validation for his decision. The dumpee should not care and should delete the dumper from her cell and her PDA.

During Phase II, the division of mutual assets typically begins. Dumpers and dumpees must sort out the shared social circle, the jointly purchased DVDs and iTunes, and start thinking about returning the mutually acquired not-sure-whose-this-is miscellaneous stuff.

III. Crazy/Callous

During Phase III, the dumpee gets a case of Crazy that can be diagnosed from mild to severe. Crazy behavior ranges from drunk-dial phone calls (which should have been averted during Phase II with complete and total phonebook deletions) to stalking to passionate, angry diatribes in public, to the Take Me Back letter. This is the time for the dumpee’s friends to intervene and provide social distraction. If not already done, electronic phonebooks should be updated, the dumper’s personal possessions should be boxed up and placed by the front door for the inevitable Stuff Exchange, and the dumpee should give the dumper’s favorite beer to her hot neighbor.

The dumper, in turn, becomes Callous during Phase III. The dumpee doesn’t have feelings, he tells himself, so it’s okay to be an asshole. The dumpee couldn’t possibly still love me, he says, so it’s okay to make out with her old roommate and hit on her best friend. The dumpee is sooo over that, he thinks, so I can totally hook up with her co-worker this weekend. The dumper is indifferent to everyone around him and rolls his eyes every time the phone rings, and is alternately flattered and disturbed by the dumpee’s Crazy behavior during Phase III.

Phase III can last from one day to several weeks depending on the level of Craziness exuded by the dumpee.

IV. Heartbreak/Nearly Over It

Phase IV is, in my opinion, the hardest for the dumpee. He’s managed to get past Crazy without any arrests, he’s done being sad and angry, but he’s not quite ready to move on. The dumpee is sickened by the thought of the dumper going out with someone else, he can’t stand the idea of some other guy kissing her or putting his hand on her back when they enter a room together or any of those other little things that couples always do. He’s a little mopey in the bar with his friends, he gets wistful when they talk about their girlfriends and how perfect their lives are, and he can’t bring himself to give the dumper her stuff (which was neatly boxed up during Phase III with help from the dumpee’s friends). The dumpee feels sad when he smells her perfume or hears a similar laugh, and while he finds other girls interesting and attractive, he just isn’t ready to go on a date with someone new yet.

Phase IV, in contrast, is very easy for the dumper. She stops being Callous and treating the dumpee like crap, and remembers to acknowledge that the dumpee is a human being with feelings that she recently hurt. The dumper is ready to form a friendship with the dumpee, but treads lightly, because she doesn’t want him to see her out with new guys or flirting with the hot bartender. She starts to get ballsy and frequents their favorite restaurants and bars with her friends and her half of the mutual social circle, but she isn’t quite ready to spend time with the dumpee yet because she might want him back and she has far too much pride to admit that.

V. Ready to Move On/Involved With Someone Else

Phase V, the final phase of breaking up, represents a pivotal point for the dumpee. She is finally ready to start dating other guys and to stop obsessing about what the dumper is doing lately. She feels pretty and sexy and confident and ready to deal with the drama of dating again. Her friends are introducing her to eligible men and her co-workers are asking if it’s okay to pass her phone number to their hot relatives. She has left a message with the dumper indicating that she’ll drop his stuff off “sometime this week” and she’s breezy and carefree and totally over that jag. He is Gay in her mind.

Phase V is a smooth transition from Phase IV for the dumper. He’s been seeing someone else for several weeks and the relationship is exclusive and becoming serious. He’s thinking about calling the dumpee to see if she wants to have lunch sometime soon (so that she can see that he’s NOT immature and he’s NOT needy and he’s NOT emotionally unavailable), and he’s replaced her photos with photos of the new girlfriend all over his IKEA’d apartment. He has removed all traces of the dumpee from his new life and cringes when his buddies talk about the dumpee in front of the new girlfriend because he might have made a mistake and the dumpee was, of course, hotter than the new girlfriend, and actually, she’s a lot smarter and quite a bit funnier and much more interesting than the new girl, but that’s okay because he only has to keep her around until her birthday or Valentine’s Day and then he can up the jag quotient significantly by dumping her in concert with a date of significant importance.

Of course, there are some addendums to consider, like when Breakup Sex or Let’s Give This Another Try take place in between the major phases, but these are the core five Phases of Breaking Up. Now if only there were some guidelines on how to avoid dating jags in the first place…