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Moving On 2004-03-10, 4:43 p.m. T called me last night to let me know that he didn’t get admitted to one of his top choice law schools. I am truly disappointed for him, and I can’t imagine how devastated he must be, but I took an inordinate amount of glee in his misery. He got an average LSAT score and has an average undergraduate GPA, so I really don’t know what he was expecting, given that affirmative action-based admissions have been completely eliminated from three of the places where he applied (and all of the schools on his list are Top 25). I feel like a completely rotten person for it now, but damn, it felt good to hang up the phone and cackle-laugh about it for several minutes. (It also reminded me about the time that I took a practice LSAT with him once, having never seen the test before and not knowing a thing about it, and I scored a 176. He did not speak to me for almost a week.) I have tried and tried to be supportive and let him know that I think he’ll get in somewhere (and I do think that he still stands a chance of getting into one of the other schools on the list), but he did not use my definition of logic when it came to choosing schools. So, it’s especially difficult to hold my tongue instead of spray-painting “I TOLD YOU SO” on his car with some sort of rust-producing chemical. I know that in order for him to be Dead To Me or at the very least, Gay To Me, I need to stop taking his calls and stop talking to him and stop acknowledging his existence, but I’m really having a hard time with that. I was e-mailing Cassandra about this very thing last night – I think things between me and T are going to be off and on as long as we’re in the same city. We suck at taking a break, I obviously suck at pretending like he’s dead, and he really sucks at being my boyfriend, but we make really, really good friends. We used to spend entire weekends holed up in one or the other’s apartment, watching movies, cooking for each other, ordering in, reading excerpts of interesting articles aloud, making funny bets on the outcome of games we honestly don’t care about, and arguing over silly things like whose turn it is to get up earliest and take the first shower. We go out for dinner one night every weekend and the unspoken rules are that we take turns choosing new places and footing the bill, no chain restaurants, and we can’t choose places that we’ve already been to together. And now, we can’t do these things anymore? I don’t even know what to do with my weekends now. Last weekend, after the big State of the Union Conversation, I spent quite a bit of time lying in bed, crying, eating junk food, and making sobby phone calls to my friends. This just isn’t working out for me. T thinks we can go from couplehood to best platonic friends overnight, and that can’t be very difficult for him – the only thing that’s changing (in his eyes) is removing the physical part of our relationship (and I don’t know how long that will last). He’s completely incapable of having an adult relationship, he’s never been in a long term relationship with anyone but me, and he is so scared of falling in love, that I’m sure he’ll end up alone forever. Part of me thinks he’s just been viewing me as a friend with benefits, a convenience, someone to drop him off at work when the car’s in the shop and who will cook healthy dinners to share several times a week. So, now I’m wondering how much longer I’ll let this go on, and when I’ll finally realize that I need to do what I’ve been longing for, and start over in another big city. I’m ready to start looking for another job, a better apartment, and a different kind of life, and I was prepared to make this change with or without T in my life. However, a good friend of mine had to move from Kansas City to San Francisco to escape the Jedi in his life, and I don’t want to make major changes because of or in spite of T. I want to fulfill my goals and indulge my desires and make some big changes for me without taking anyone else into consideration at all.
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